I'm so confused now

I just sat here at the computer I use and as I stared at my cat, Gabby, I was thinking about writing this entry into this blog. I will tell you readers that I am a man with a love of two things: Writing, and Anime. Ever since I was seven years old I've been deeply fascinated and super glued to the culture of Japanese animation. Writing has fueled an amazing writing talent in stories, essays and poems while anime has fueled my more productive imagination. Clearly, I have much interests in a prominent writing career, but I'm honestly more interested and motivated by anime, truthfully. Every time I think for a while, anime pops into my mind, every time I close my eyes, I envision completely original anime characters, I sleeplessly stay up on Saturday nights after midnight to temporarily satiate my television anime desire, sometimes I even read manga to pass time on the internet. In truth, I'm far more interested in anime than I am writing.

Now as I think about it, when I am able to obtain my writing career, I might not exactly be happy with it. Sure, I will always have anime and manga to lift my spirits, but will I truly be happy with being an author of some sort? You would probably recommend I try and work as a writer for anime magazines like Shonen Jump! or try to learn Japanese kanji so I can make a living translating manga, or something. I think if I can somehow combine both of my great interests to be an anime screen writer or something then I would truly be happy with my job. Of course, what kind of Japanese animation studio would want a lowly American like me? Of course, why should I matter anyway? I am just as I am. A young transcendentalist who just can not seem to find a proper place in the world. I am the type of person most college quizzes would find better suited for working in religious places when I am an atheist. I just have no idea. I love writing, but I might not be happy with it, I love anime, but I might never find a job that deals with it every day.

Of course, you might say to me by now: "Ryan, stop giving up on your hopes and dreams! You're a truly gifted and talented young man." True, I seem very gifted and talented, but you should know that I spent pretty much the entirety of my life dreaming up dreams and crushing those dreams myself only to dream of other dreams to be crushed as well. I once wanted to be an entrepreneur and own my own restaurant business, but that would require cooking and constant financial stuff, crap I'll never have the brains or patience for. I even wanted to host my own television show! Something I could never do because if it got popular, it would require talking with people and meeting new people, something I'll probably never be good at. I'll just probably waste away my life waiting tables at a crappy run down diner for all of my life anyway. After all, I have to face the harsh reality some times and that just might be my reality. I'm just a child that dreams way too big.

Later,

Yours Truly

Saved from the light.... The oh so annoying light

A few days ago I deleted everything I ever knew about christian rock on my beloved Pandora radio account. I liked that it was nice and I could listen to it casually, but then I just wanted to listen to Flyleaf on there and as I discovered bands like Halestorm and In This Moment, the christian music that I once enjoyed just got boring and most importantly, way too annoying. All Christian Rock music is is "Don't lose your faith, God loves you" "God is the answer to everything" "Jesus will save us all". Yeah, you guys keep telling yourselves that while you stupidly preach about a fairy tale story book character that's most likely to be a stupid alien researcher rather than some almighty presence of unknown origin. As you readers know, I am a proud atheist because the idea of a God or a higher presence is just too far fetched to believe. Why you might as? Well which one of you dogmatically believes in Santa Claus? Yeah, exactly. So as Christian Rockers always say, when you're struggling with your faith, keep it and you'll have an invisible lover. No, don't. Lose it already, you'll do yourself a whole lot of good and whole crap ton of knowledge, truth and reasoning will just dump onto you. What I did with my Pandora account was just make a new radio that seeded from Halestorm and In This Moment, so I can still enjoy those two bands without all the stupid fairy tale character bull crap that christian rock always spews out. To think I even liked listening to that junk.

Oh, yes, I'm listening to Classical too,

Yours Truly

I've Changed

The following piece of literature basically a sort of letter addressing my childhood as a beloved old friend. This little thing is something that came to me when I was sitting here and thinking of things. So please, have your respect for me, the writer:

I've changed since we last met.

I've grown up a bit.

I've lost my faith in religion.

I saw through the lies that plagued this world.

I've decided on an excellent and rewarding career path.

I've discovered a new part of me.

I toyed with my own emotions. Even once thought of dying.

I went through depression.

I saw the rights and wrongs of humanity.

I spent days thinking long and hard about the life ahead of me.

There are still times when I try to remember you.

I know our time together was short, but it was very special.

I can only remember you in tiny fragments.

I miss you, dear friend.

We are victims of time, and I know this very well.

We'll each get older, you, farther in my past.

Time will pass by the both of us.

I'll still miss you. Always.

We never said our "Good Bye"-s.

I'll just cherish our time together, and the tiny fragments I still remember.

Wasn't that great?

Yours Truly